


there's a ghost in my lungs

by moonmagicked



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Feels, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Sister-Sister Relationship, because I refuse to accept Gamora's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 19:02:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16069340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonmagicked/pseuds/moonmagicked
Summary: “You’re dead,” Nebula said. It wasn’t what she wanted to say, but she didn’t know how to say what it was that she really meant.“Yes.” Gamora’s reply was soft, gentle.After everything, Gamora and Nebula have a very needed, very long overdue conversation.





	there's a ghost in my lungs

**Author's Note:**

> _"There's a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep, wraps itself around my tongue as it softly speaks"_ \- I'm Not Calling You a Liar, Florence + The Machine

Nebula knew she was dreaming the moment she opened her eyes and Gamora was there.

She looked exactly as Nebula had seen her last, whole and unharmed. Alive. The sight was so jarring that Nebula found herself at a loss for how to react. Even knowing she was dreaming, knowing Gamora wasn’t actually here… It still _hurt_.

It was Gamora who broke their silence first.

“Nebula,” she said. Gamora said her name with such tenderness that it made something clench in Nebula’s chest and she turned away.

“You’re dead,” Nebula said. It wasn’t what she wanted to say, but she didn’t know how to say what it was that she really meant.

“Yes.” Gamora’s reply was soft, gentle.

“It was stupid.” Nebula’s voice came out softer than she had intended it, but it was still hard. Angry. “What you did was _stupid_.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Gamora said, her voice still awfully even and gentle.

“Yes, it was.”

“Nebula, look at me,” Gamora said, voice still just as calm. When Nebula didn’t turn, she said with slightly more emphasis, “Please.”

Nebula grit her teeth but finally turned. The urge to see Gamora’s face, even if it was just in a dream, was too great to ignore no matter how painful it was.

“What.” Nebula barked out the word, more of a demand than a question.

“Saving you was one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done in my life,” Gamora said. “It was not stupid, and I would do it all over again if I could.”

Those words hurt Nebula in ways she couldn’t even begin to express. It was everything she’d wanted for so long, and yet it was so, so wrong, The emotions it stirred up made something hot press behind her eyes.

“Thanos won,” she spat out. “You saved me at the expense of half the universe. I don’t know what else you would call that but a fool’s choice.”

“I would call that love,” Gamora said. Nebula flinched at the words.

“Of course you’d say that now,” Nebula said. “This is just a dream.”

Gamora looked sad at that. “Did you often dream that I would tell you I loved you?”

“No,” Nebula said, too quickly. “I dreamed of killing you.”

“But we’re past that now,” Gamora said. She took a step closer to Nebula. “And I do love you, Nebula. You’re my sister. I’m sorry I never said it more while I was alive.”

_Alive_. Because this was just a pretty dream, and the ugly reality was that Gamora was dead along with half of the universe.

“This doesn’t mean anything,” Nebula said, to herself more than anything. “You’re not really here.”

“Is it so hard to believe I would tell you that I love you?”

“Yes.”

The heartbreak etched into the lines of Gamora’s face was awful to look at. Nebula didn’t let herself look away.

“I’m sorry, Nebula,” she said. She took another step closer to Nebula. They were only inches apart now. “I spent a lot of time thinking about what you said to me before you left the last time. I never stopped to think about you when we were children, and for that I can never apologize enough. I was scared and selfish and only concerned with survival, and I let you suffer because of it. Thanos didn’t let us be children. He didn’t let us be sisters.”

Gamora closed the remaining distance between them and wrapped her arms around Nebula and said, “I love you, Nebula.”

The sensation of being hugged was still so foreign to Nebula that she froze. The unexpected wave of emotions that Gamora’s words brought over her made it worse, and it was several long, painful moments before she was able to bring herself to raise her arms and wrap them around Gamora in a tentative return of her hug.

“It just took death for you to say it,” Nebula said, but the words held no bite. She sounded so sorrowful to her own ears that she hated it.

“I’m sorry,” Gamora said again.

“So am I,” Nebula said after a beat. “I never said it, either.”

Gamora pulled back just enough to be able to look at Nebula and gave her a wry smile, still not letting her go, and said, “Thanos really messed us up, didn’t he.”

Nebula didn’t return to the smile. “It’s obvious he ruined me worse than he did you.”

“He hurt you. He didn’t ruin you.”

Nebula barked out a laugh, cold and harsh.

“Look at me,” she said, pulling her arms away from Gamora and waving her metal arm in front of her. “Look what he did to me. He destroyed me. You were there. You _know_.”

Gamora was quiet for several moments, looking at Nebula sadly. Gently, moving slowly as if Nebula were a feral animal that might be spooked, Gamora reached out and took Nebula’s hands in her own.

“Do you remember when we were children,” Gamora said, “And we made up our own game to play at night?”

“Of course,” Nebula said warily.

“We collected stones,” Gamora continued. “And divided them up between light ones and dark ones.”

“You always picked the light ones. Rather ironic looking back.”

“I guess it was,” Gamora said, cracking a slight smile. “We would draw a gameboard on the dirt every night and set up our pieces, and we made up the rules as we went.”

“You mean you changed the rules every time you lost.”

Gamora laughed. “Don’t pretend you didn’t do it too.”

“I never said I didn’t.” Nebula paused. “Is there a point to this?”

The slight smile Gamora had dropped away. “We played that game every night we could. We hid the stones and wiped away the board we drew every morning so that Thanos never found out. We never played with any of our other siblings because we didn’t trust them to keep it a secret. It was just us.”

“I remember,” Nebula said.

“Those are some of the happiest memories I have from my childhood after Thanos took me. My only happy memories. They’re so few, but the one thing they all have in common is you, Nebula.”

Nebula’s eyes burned. She looked down at the ground, unable to meet Gamora’s gaze. Gamora squeezed her hands tighter.

“I miss that little girl who played a secret game with me every night,” Gamora said. “I thought of her every time we fought as adults.”

“She’s gone,” Nebula said, still unable to meet Gamora’s gaze. “Thanos killed her.”

“No.” Gently, Gamora placed one hand under Nebula’s chin and tilted it up so Nebula was forced to look into Gamora’s eyes. “She’s still there. I never gave up on you, Nebula. You’re still my sister. You always have been.”

The burning behind Nebula’s eyes got stronger and stronger until tears finally spilled down her cheeks. It was a feeling she hadn’t felt in years and she hastily swiped at her face with her hand that wasn’t still grasped in Gamora’s.

“Now I know this is really a dream,” Nebula said, voice thick with tears, “Since Thanos didn’t see any purpose in leaving me the ability to cry.”

“You were always the more emotional one of us when we were children,” Gamora said, though there was no judgement in her tone. “You used to cry and scream like no other.”

That brought a bitter mock of a laugh out of Nebula. “I suppose I did throw some impressive tantrums.”

“You say that like tracking me down across the universe in a ship just to try and fight me _wasn’t_ a giant tantrum.”

“Shut up,” Nebula said, shoving Gamora, though there was no heat behind the words or the motion and Gamora barely moved.

“I wish you had stayed with me after that, at least for a little while,” Gamora said, smiling sadly. “I wish we had gotten to spend more time as sisters.”

“There was no time. Thanos was getting too close to his goal. Look at what happened.”

“I know. But if it had to end this way, I wish I had gotten to spend more time with you first.”

Nebula blinked away fresh tears. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“It does.”

“He won.” The tears wouldn’t stop falling and Nebula gave up fighting them, letting them spill down her cheeks and blur her vision. “It doesn’t matter because you’re dead and he _won_.”

Gamora was quiet for several long moments. There was nothing but the sound of Nebula’s ragged, wet breathing and Gamora’s softer, steadier inhales. Then Nebula felt rough fingers brush away the tears beneath her eyes. She flinched instinctively. Gamora’s fingers stilled, but did not pull away from her cheek.

“You know, I don’t think I remember a time when you didn’t flinch when you were touched,” Gamora said softly.

Nebula bristled, then stopped to think over Gamora’s words. She thought and then realized quietly, “Neither do I.”

Gamora moved her fingers again, brushing away another freshly fallen tear. Nebula forced herself to not flinch at the touch and hated how difficult it was.

“You never flinched,” Nebula found herself saying, unwanted bitterness creeping into her voice. “Not even at the beginning, before he could beat it out of you. Guess that’s why you were always the stronger one.”

“I don’t want to fight anymore,” Gamora said. “I don’t want things to be a competition between us. That was what Thanos wanted, not what we wanted.”

“You’re _dead_ , sister. You can’t want anything anymore.”

Gamora looked at her sadly. “What do you want, then?”

“I…” Nebula trailed off. She didn’t think anyone had ever asked her that before. The question made something squeeze uncomfortably in her chest.

“I don’t know,” she finally said, realizing it was the truth as she said it. “I want Thanos dead. I want him to suffer for what he did. I want vengeance.”

“And after that?”

“I don’t know.” Then a thought struck her, and it brought a fresh wave of tears to the surface. It was only the knowledge that she was dreaming, that everything was lost and there was nothing more that could be taken from her, that enabled her to admit aloud, “I want you back.”

More and more tears fell, like her body was finally unleashing all the tears she couldn’t shed over the years. She felt weak and pitiful and childish, but Gamora only looked at her gently and reached down and took both of Nebula’s hands in hers again.

“I’m here now,” Gamora said.

“No you’re _not_ ,” Nebula said, and she meant it to be angry but it sounded more like a pitiful wail. “You’re _dead_ and I’m just _dreaming_.”

She yanked her hands away and turned away from Gamora.

“Wake up, wake up, _wake up_!” Nebula beat her fists against her thighs in times with her shouts.

A gentle pair of arms wrapped around her from behind, and Nebula couldn’t help her flinch.

“I know I am,” Gamora said, resting her cheek against Nebula’s back. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not actually here, sister.”

Nebula scoffed. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Thanos killed me for an infinity stone. Nothing makes sense when infinity stones are involved. They exist to defy all known laws.”

“What, are you saying the stones are letting you invade my dreams to tell me that you love me?” Nebula let out a harsh laugh. “Even I don’t hate myself enough to make that up.”

Gamora let her go, and Nebula only had the briefest moment to miss her touch before Gamora was facing her, hands on Nebula’s shoulders and saying in a very serious voice, “I’m saying that death by the infinity stones is not the same as death in any other way.”

It was impossible. Thanos had won, Gamora was dead, _everyone_ was dead—and still yet, Nebula couldn’t quell the tiny flare of hope deep in her mechanical core.

“But he killed you before he had all the stones,” Nebula said, sounding desperate—desperate to convince herself, desperate for Gamora to prove her wrong, desperate for any hope at all that her sister might actually still be alive in some way. “He killed you to get the soul stone. You were already dead when he completed the gauntlet.”

Gamora nodded as she spoke, waiting until Nebula was staring at her with wide, watery eyes to say, “He sacrificed me for the soul stone, Nebula. The _soul_ stone. What do you think it does?”

“What are you saying?” It came out more as a breath, a whispered statement rather than a question.

“I’m not entirely sure myself,” Gamora admitted. “But I think my soul might be trapped inside the soul stone itself.”

“I’ve lost my mind,” Nebula said. “That’s what this means. I have finally gone mad.”

“Possibly,” Gamora said, and Nebula stared at her, because was she really _joking_ right then, “But I mean it. I don’t know how to explain it. I know I really did die, I remember it, and yet I’m still here.”

“So my dead sister is invading my dreams from inside the soul stone? Do you hear how insane that sounds?”

“Yes, I realize how it sounds,” Gamora said, frustration bleeding into her voice. “But is it really any harder to believe than half of the things we’ve lived through?”

“Yes, because I _want_ you to be alive, and I have never gotten anything that I wanted in my life.”

Gamora’s expression softened.

“Then don’t you think it’s finally time that you did?” she said. “I think the universe owes you one.”

“I don’t deserve it,” Nebula said. “And I don’t believe it.”

“I don’t blame you,” Gamora said. Then, suddenly, she stiffened, like a thought had struck her. A smile made its way across her face.

“Dance with me,” Gamora said. Nebula looked up at her sharply, caught off guard.

“What?”

“Dance with me,” Gamora repeated, keeping one of her hands on Nebula’s shoulder and placing the other on her waist. “Put your arms on my shoulders.”

“I don’t know how to dance,” Nebula said warily, but she didn’t flinch at Gamora’s hand on her waist.

“I know. That’s the point. How would you dream about me teaching you how to dance if you don’t know how to do it yourself?”

“I don’t think that’s how dreams work,” Nebula said. Gamora just shook her head and gave her an exasperated smile.

“Just trust me,” she said. “Follow my lead.”

Gamora started to sway to the side, the smile on her face becoming less exasperated and more sincere.

“I don’t get this,” Nebula said, feeling stiff and uncertain and out of place. “What is the point of this?”

“There’s no _point_. It’s just something fun. It’s something to do just because you want to.”

“It’s not fun.”

Gamora chuckled. “Close your eyes and just trust me.”

Nebula hesitated, but Gamora looked so hopeful that eventually she let out an exaggerated sigh and complied, though not before rolling her eyes.

She closed her eyes, still damp with the aftermath of her tears, and let Gamora’s hands guide her. Gamora started humming, and it took Nebula a few moments to recognize the tune.

“You used to sing that,” she said. “When we were little. You’d sing that at night.”

“You remember,” Gamora said, sounding pleased.

“Of course I remember.”

“I wasn’t sure you would. It was so long ago.”

“Like another lifetime,” Nebula agreed. “But I wouldn’t forget.”

“I’m glad,” Gamora said, and then resumed humming.

Nebula kept her eyes closed as she focused on the familiar tune of Gamora’s hum. She thought back to Gamora’s earlier words about how all of her happy memories involved Nebula. Nebula had tried so hard to forget, but the truth was that the same was true for her as well. The only bright spot in her childhood had been Gamora. She had been the only good thing Thanos had even given her.

“You’re terrible at dancing,” Gamora said, so suddenly that Nebula opened her eyes in surprise.

“You’re a terrible teacher,” Nebula shot back, and Gamora laughed.

“Do you believe me now, then?”

“I don’t know.” Nebula paused, then said quietly, “I want to.”

“I know it’s hard to believe. I don’t know how to prove it. But I can feel it. There’s still a chance. And I don’t want to be trapped here for eternity. I want to come back home. I want to come back to you.”

“What am I supposed to do then?” Nebula said, words sharp. “How am I supposed to fix this, if even you couldn’t? You were always better, you were always stronger. How am I supposed to succeed where you failed?”

“I didn’t fail. I saved your life, Nebula. That was a success.”

“So I’m supposed to somehow save yours in return?”

Gamora brought her hand up to Nebula’s cheek, and the motion was so similar to the last time they had seen each other in life, Nebula strung up and torn apart, that she couldn’t stop herself from flinching this time. Gamora didn’t let it dissuade her.

“I think you can help save everyone.”

“I can’t save anyone. The only thing I have ever been good is at taking lives, not saving them.”

“Then start by taking Thanos’s. But I have faith in you, Nebula. There’s a reason I was able to reach you, I know it. There’s still hope.”

“I don’t know if I believe it,” Nebula said. “But I’ll kill Thanos, and I’ll do it for you, sister.”

“No,” Gamora said, and she looked Nebula in the eye and said, “Kill him, but do it for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> My goal was to write something more lighthearted. Of course, then I proceeded to set it post IW, where everything is awful. But I still think this is significantly less dark than my recent fics! Just feelsy. So... success?
> 
> I have lots of feels about Nebula and Gamora, both as individuals and as sisters. Especially about how they view themselves as actual siblings and seem to genuinely care for each other despite growing up with Thanos, which was obviously not conducive to forging normal siblings bonds. So that was kind of what I was exploring here! Their relationship is something I really really reeeaalllyyy want to see expanded in future films. 
> 
> Also, I refuse to accept Gamora's death. Nope. Please excuse my half-baked explanation about the soul stone. It's not necessarily my headcanon for how A4 will go, but it was a fan theory I thought fit well enough for my purposes here. The feels were my focus, not that part haha.
> 
> Please drop a comment if you read it and have any thoughts! Also, feel free to hit me up on [tumblr](https://norsing-around.tumblr.com). :)


End file.
